Leaders leak too much energy by trying to solve and fix problems all the time.
The most common cause of frustration and burnout for leaders is the weight of other people’s problems.
It’s a catch 22 really. We want be to approachable. We want to help. But without the right tools, we don’t help. We take. We take the pain and frustration from our team and we place it squarely on our shoulders. It sounds like “What can I do?” “I can take something off your plate” “I’ll talk to the CFO for you” “Let me help you prioritize.”
This is corporate talk for “I don’t think you can handle this, so I will.”
This inadvertent perpetuation of codependence creates a culture of enablement and over reliance on the leader at the top. This is why organizations complain about a lack of accountability.
So what tools do we use to nurture approachability while simultaneously building accountability on our team?
The first step is to take pause when you recognize that someone is coming to you to vent, get answers, or seek help.
I use a cognitive behavioral tool with all my coaching clients and students that we insert into this pause.
Rather than thinking “I have to solve this problem now,” I ask you to pivot to “I am curious” or “this person is highly capable.” This shift in mindset creates a feeling of curiosity and openness rather than frustration, disappointment or anxiety.
Now all we have to do is ask questions and listen. People often get stumped over what questions to ask. They dive into asking questions about the technical nature of the problem. This is an error. We want to instead ask qualitative questions.
I recommend keeping a list of questions on your desk. Here’s my current list:
A menu of questions (In no particular order)
Why is this important to you?
What impact does this have?
How long has this been going on?
How often does this happen?
What have you done so far?
Who have you spoken with?
Do you know this to be absolutely true?
Is it possible to know this is true?
How have you contributed to this situation?
How would you like to handle this?
If money/time wasn’t a factor, what would you do?
If you had complete control what would you do?
How does this make you feel?
When you feel this way, what thoughts are occurring?
How does feeling this way impact the way you show up?
Why do you tolerate this?
What is scary about this?
What’s the simplest solution?
Is this your problem to solve?
What can you do next?
What do you need to take 1 step in the right direction?
If you commit to this, are you willing to be held fully accountable?
What could get in the way? How will you handle that?
Did you get what you needed from this conversation?
I use these questions throughout the conversation. The questions get us closer to a root cause and stimulate creative thinking around potential solutions.
It’s amazing how people are just happy to keep talking. I promise….they don’t really notice that you are asking a bunch of seemingly random questions.
As the leader, your job is to listen for patterns and trends. This is how you help someone connect the dots and see what they can’t see.
The questions tend to get more and more narrow when you latch onto something important. You can hold space for this person to come to their own solutions.
Never, ever, ever say anything like “you should do ……” You may know the answer. But it’s not your job to tell. It’s your job to help people think deeply.
If the proposed solution is really risky, ask “what else might work?”
The final question you ask is always something like: “What do you want to do now?”
This critical question moves the conversation into action and commitment. The person you are helping identifies their next step and owns the process.
When you use this model, you leave the conversation a clear follow up that will close the loop on accountability. It sends the message that if this conversation was important to you, the related solution is just as important.
You have served as a facilitator not a problem solver. This frees up your mental and emotional capacity to solve big strategic problems and stay future focused. All while strengthening your belief that your team is highly capable. They just need a leader (you) to have the capacity to hold space and ask questions.
May you live & LeadWell,
~E
